I was with a friend the other day and she was explaining an issue she and her boyfriend were experiencing. I shared, speaking from almost 17 years of marriage and getting married at the relatively early age of 23, that I think communication is what is needed in a successful relationship. But it’s not the communication we’ve all heard about where you’re told to share your feelings, which usually goes something like: “You make me sad, you need to change”. Then, they say you have to make it personal, use “I”. “Okay I can’t stand you. I need you to change.” And that doesn’t just go for romantic relationships but all of our interactions with friends, bosses, people in the grocery store, and people in traffic – “I need you to change in order for me to be happy.”
But it’s not like that at all. You are the only variable in your life – you are the only thing that you can change. “Oh, so I have to change? I have to give up who I am? I have to become something I’m not?” Well no, but if your happiness is dependent upon other people changing, then you’re in trouble. You do need to realize that you’re going to get back from the universe an exact reflection of what you're putting out there, so if you don’t like what’s coming back to you, then maybe you need not to be so rigid about changing. Nevertheless it’s not just about changing; it’s about discovering who you are, why you are the way you are, why you feel the way you feel, and then being able to share that with people, especially in romantic relationships. The communication I’m speaking of is more like: “Woo hoo, I discovered I have a wall! Will you help me climb it, knock it down, and watch it dissipate together?”
I always like to say when you’re with the right person, you have half the problems and twice the joy. The right partner is strong when you feel weak. The right partner is extra shoulders to share the load; additional hands for applauding accomplishments; and more arms to embrace life. The right relationship is a beautiful dance, I stepped back, you step forward; I step right, you step left, we are side by side, step by step, we accentuate each other’s strengths and we bridge each other’s weaknesses.
It’s about compromise but not in the way compromise has become to be known. It’s about working together to make sure each one of you gets what they want. For example, my husband has hair metal band posters. Previously he shared we me that when he was young his mother would come in his room and tear down all of his posters, even if they were on the back of his door or were hidden inside the closet. And so I had these huge 3’ x 3’ frames that I thought were really cool, but I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do, and then it occurred to me, he just bought some new posters that are curled up in a tube in the closet. While they’re not necessarily my taste, I want him to feel he is king of his castle, and I want him to encourage him to have what he wants. So we had them professionally matted and backed, and we hung them in the frames. Now I get to see my cool frames and he gets to see his posters. (After he hung them up on the wall, he gave me a “f**k yeah!” which of course made my heart sing.) Added bonus, I get to see that twinkle in his eye and a childlike grin and he can feel validation of his tastes and interests. Of course, I’m sure if you ask him, he’ll tell you that it’s not as deep as all that; and I didn’t plan to make this whole big experience happen and discuss it as a profound life altering event. It went more like: “Hey, let’s use those frames for your posters.” “Cool.” Still though it is fun to watch how the process unfolded as it is because of our mutual love and respect for each other. When you love someone and hear what they tell you, and something like this happens, I know that twinkle in his eye is much deeper than just posters on the wall.
And I can see how MKMMA is doing that for each of us taking this course. Mark J, Davene, and the rest of the team, always say ‘Just love man;’ ‘We send you love’. And that is what they are offering us – unconditional love to find our dreams. They don’t judge our dreams. They are just offering us a shoulder to cry on, extra legs to stand on, extra hands for applying ourselves, and a kick in the bum if we need that too, “It’s time to put on our big boy and girl pants.” They are putting their hearts and souls into helping us find our dreams and goals, and then showing us practical applications for getting from here to there. And they’re not just talking the talk – they’re walking the walk right with us. They have attained some dreams, and have included us in their future goals using the same steps/techniques that we are using. They are doing it right with us, not just teaching it to us.
Because of this course I have witnessed a lot of my invisible walls disappear-
Turns out I was a little more stubborn than I thought. Turns out I have a lot more courage than I thought. Turns out it feels good to share my dreams. Turns out big goals are easily done when you take small baby steps. It turns out, I have a bigger support system than I ever imagined, (with those of you reading this – thank you).
And as it turned out there is really only one decision we have to make, and that is “To Be Happy or Not To Be Happy.” Once we choose to be happy - with who we are right now; with where we are right now; and with everything we have right now; then fulfilling our dreams becomes just icing on the cake.